It hit me this week (as I cried in my car on my way home from work) that there are many manifestations to tears. I wasn’t crying because I was sad, I was crying because I needed a fucking release.
Tears have always been my go to to my whole life. I’m angry…tears. I’m sad…tears. I’m happy…tears. You get the point.
As a child my tears and my big emotions in general where an inconvenience for my mother. She wasn’t aware of this, she didn’t know her own big emotions so how could she help me with mine. And she had her own unresolved childhood trauma knocking at her door every waking moment. Always threatening to rob her of the life she created. And yet, it has robbed her of life but that’s another conversation for another day.
So couple that with the miseducation of society that emotions are black and white. Sadness looks like tears. Anger looks like a red face and clenched body. Happiness looks like a smile. And of course this is true but it’s not always true. And it’s in that little gray area…the area of the unknown where I lost myself. I was TERRIFIED of the the grey area emotions. Naturally when we fear something we run from it and that’s exactly what I did for many years.
So here I am at 33, 10 years into my intentional self-help journey (I unwillingly started when I first moved to NYC), and I’m finally able to cry in my car on my way home from work and be okay with it. And not need to label but to just let it flow and then move on a little bit lighter and little bit more present in the now.
I heard a podcast the other day from a CEO and she said “learning how to cry saved my life”. I’ve always known how to cry. Intuitively my body has always known it’s an amazing release for me but for so many years I held it back and it would build and build and manifest into panic attacks and YEARS of depression/anxiety.
I was so uncomfortable with my emotions that through HEAVY SOBS I would tell your father “I don’t know why I’m crying?!”. LOL Now I can look back on that and laugh and hold that part of me tenderly but in the moment I truly didn’t know why. And I didn’t really care why I just wanted those emotions to go away.
Your father’s response “so what babe. who cares just let it out.” and then he would hold me and help me interpret my emotions. his casualness made me feel so normal and that’s exactly what i needed in that moment. he has a special gift of reading others. you have this same gift. so much more on this later.
So for me it’s not about learning how to cry (for some people it is, like your father). For me it is about learning how to be okay with crying. So something I saw as I defect in my being has been my greatest gift. I feel so lucky.
I love you,
Abigail
para Mia 