Today was really heartbreaking but hopefully a lesson as all pain in life is if you are willing to see it.
Yesterday (Thursday) we dropped you at your Mom’s house as we always do on Thursdays. Your Mom messaged your Father to let him know you had a cough and fever. She was going to keep you home from school.
You had a small cough at our house but nothing major, no fever, high energy, etc. To give this some context, you missed a lot of school from being sick lately. Also, there is a lack of trust between us and your mother when it comes to getting you to school. She doesn’t have a great track record of getting you to school. You also play into her heartstrings and have exaggerated your illnesses in the past to miss school or perhaps to get your Mother’s attention – perhaps both.
When we picked you up from school, you were hot (fever), low energy, & had dark circles under your eyes. You looked sick.
As we’re driving in the car, listening to music, I turn around and see you silently crying to yourself (broke my heart). Immediately we ask you if you’re okay, what’s wrong, etc.
You said you were so upset because all day you couldn’t finish a sentence because your cough kept cutting you off. You also mentioned your head felt hot all day.
Before I dropped you off at school in the morning, I told you if you start to feel bad to go to the nurse and I’ll come get you. But you didn’t, you were too scared and because of that you suffered.
My heart broke for you and for my own inner child that had a similar struggle. A child that is afraid to have needs, afraid to seen because the world seems unsafe, afraid to speak up because you don’t feel worthy.
I told you in the car…
“Mia you don’t have to silently suffer my babe. If you told the nurse I could have come and gotten you. Baby, everyone has needs. You have needs. That is normal. But people aren’t mind readers so you have to tell them. You have to tell them what you need.”
I’m trying to remind you to remember that truth – YOU ARE WORTHY. Of being seen. Of having needs. Of being loved. Of your deepest desires.
This was such a heavy moment because your father and I then had an argument after we got you settled at your Mom’s. He was trying to comfort you and talk to you. For me, it’s not what he says but how he says it. I could see you shutting down. I told him to drop it, I felt propelled to protect you, to be your voice. He was upset because he thinks I’m enabling you. As a parent, it is my job to protect you but I am also concerned because I won’t always be there to speak for you. I need to show you how to speak for yourself.
I worry and get frustrated that you’re so quiet/shy. And it’s fear that lies below those emotions. Fear that people are going to take advantage of you, fear that you’re going to struggle through life. Fear you’re going to feel the pain I felt but not know how to pull yourself out of it.
But perhaps that is the pain you need to feel. Time will tell.
Regardless, I am here for you through it all. I love you with all my heart. And I’m so sorry for doubting you and not trusting you when you said you were sick (I will also apologize to you in person when I see you next).
I need you to understand, I’m trying. What I can give you will be imperfect. I am teaching you things you will need to unlearn to thrive as an adult.
Above all, I want to teach you how to deeply love yourself. Because when you love yourself, you can get through anything. I am finally reaching a point in my life at 34 years old where I can finally say I love myself. It’s been a JOURNEY but I wouldn’t change it.
I’m excited & terrified to guide you on this journey.
All my love,
Abby
para Mia 